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双语:喜剧大师柯南·奥布莱恩达特茅斯毕业演讲全文

2017-07-19    来源:普特英语编辑部    【大乐透走势图浙江      普特网校:美国外教1对1

本文地址:http://www.dmhes.com.cn/html/download/speech/20170719/122613.html
文章摘要:双语:喜剧大师柯南·奥布莱恩达特茅斯毕业演讲全文,祭品制线饱嗝,停车位投袂而起荒僻。

新概念| 重新定义经典英语教材


美国名脱口秀主持人柯南·奥布莱恩(Conan O’Brien)在达特茅斯大学的毕业演讲,最难得是插科打诨中句句见血,献给迷惘中的年轻人,如果你正在低潮期,一定要看看这个。

   为了让你有更好的阅读体验,讲稿里的笑点、重点都已加粗标示

   双语演讲稿:

   I've been living in Los Angeles for two years, and I've never been this cold in my life. I will pay anyone here $300 for GORE-TEX gloves. Anybody. I'm serious. I have the cash.
  我在洛杉矶生活了2年,一辈子都没碰到过这么冷的天。现在谁能给我一副GORE-TEX手套,我就给他/她300美元。谁都可以,我是认真的!我身上带着现金呢。

   Before I begin, I must point out that behind me sits a highly admired President of the United States and decorated war hero while I, a cable television talk show host, has been chosen to stand here and impart wisdom. I pray I never witness a more damning example of what is wrong with America today.
在我的演讲开始之前,我必须指出的是我身后“坐着”万人景仰的美国总统和缀满勋章的战争英雄,而我,一个有线电视脱口秀主持人,竟然被选中站在这里传授智慧。我发誓自己从没见过这么坑爹的事情,简直就是美国之怪现状的一个缩影。

    Graduates, faculty, parents, relatives, undergraduates, and old people that just come to these things: Good morning and congratulations to the Dartmouth Class of 2011. Today, you have achieved something special, something only 92 percent of Americans your age will ever know: a college diploma. That’s right, with your college diploma you now have a crushing advantage over 8 percent of the workforce. I'm talking about dropout losers like Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and Mark Zuckerberg. Incidentally, speaking of Mr. Zuckerberg, only at Harvard would someone have to invent a massive social network just to talk with someone in the next room.
在座的各位毕业生、老师们、父母们、亲戚们、其他年级的同学们、以及那些来参加你们毕业典礼的老家伙们(译者注:自嘲,指的是同期接受荣誉学位的几位嘉宾),大家早上好!并在此祝贺达特茅斯2011届毕业生!今天,你们做到了一件了不起的事情,了不起到在美国只有92%的人在你们这个年纪才能做到的事:一个大学学位。没错儿,凭借着这个大学学位,你们在剩余那8%的人才面前就有了压倒性优势。我指的是那些中途辍学的失败者,比如比尔·盖茨、史蒂夫·乔布斯、以及马克·扎克伯格。说到扎克伯格再顺便提一句,只有在哈佛这种地方才需要有人发明一套繁复的社交网络,为的只是跟隔壁的某个同学说句话。

   My first job as your commencement speaker is to illustrate that life is not fair. For example, you have worked tirelessly for four years to earn the diploma you’ll be receiving this weekend.
   That was great.
作为你们的毕业典礼演讲嘉宾,首要任务是告诉大家生活本来就是不公平的。比如,你们废寝忘食的辛苦了4年,为的就是拿到这周末即将授予你的学位。
   那感觉一定棒极了!

   And Dartmouth is giving me the same degree for interviewing the fourth lead in Twilight. Deal with it. Another example that life is not fair: if it does rain, the powerful rich people on stage get the tent. Deal with it.
而达特茅斯授予了我一个同样的学位,仅仅因为我采访了《暮光之城》的四号主角。接受这个现实吧!另一个生活不公平的案例就在眼前,如果现在天降大雨,台上这些有钱有势的人才能在帐篷下避雨。接受这个现实吧!

   I would like to thank President Kim for inviting me here today. After my phone call with President Kim, I decided to find out a little bit about the man. He goes by President Kim and Dr. Kim. To his friends, he's Jim Kim, J to the K, Special K, JK Rowling, the Just Kidding Kimster, and most puzzling, "Stinky Pete." He served as the chair of the Department of Global Health and Social Medicine at Harvard Medical School, spearheaded a task force for the World Health Organization on Global Health Initiatives, won a MacArthur Genius Grant, and was one of TIME Magazine's 100 Most Influential People in 2006. Good God, man, what the hell are you compensating for? Seriously. We get it. You're smart. By the way Dr. Kim, you were brought to Dartmouth to lead, and as a world-class anthropologist, you were also hired to figure out why each of these graduating students ran around a bonfire 111 times.
非常感谢Kim校长邀请我来参加今天的毕业典礼。Kim校长的电话挂断之后,我就决定研究一下这个家伙的背景。他总是被称为Kim校长和Kim博士。对于他的朋友来说,他是Jim Kim、J to the K、Special K(Kellog’s一款早餐谷物)、JK Rowling(小说《哈利波特》的作者)、the Just Kidding Kimster(F1车手莱科宁逗你玩儿),以及最令人不解的称呼,”Stinky Pete”(动画片《玩具总动员》里的矿工皮特)。他曾是哈佛医学院全球健康与社会医疗专业的系主任,作为世界卫生组织在全球健康行动计划的排头兵,他获得了麦克阿瑟天才奖的肯定,而且被《时代》杂志评为2006年最有影响力的100个人之一。上帝啊,这个人究竟是怎么做到的呢?我是认真的!我懂了,因为他非常聪明。顺便再对Kim博士说一句,你虽然被达特茅斯选为校长,但同时作为一个世界级的人类学家,你还被雇来研究为什么每一个这里毕业的学生都要绕着篝火跑上111圈。

   But I thank you for inviting me here, Stinky Pete, and it is an honor. Though some of you may see me as a celebrity, you should know that I once sat where you sit. Literally. Late last night I snuck out here and sat in every seat. I did it to prove a point: I am not bright and I have a lot of free time.
不过我要谢谢你今天请我来这里,“矿工皮特”,我感到非常荣幸。尽管你们中的一些人会把我看作是明星,但你要知道其实你们现在坐的地方我也坐过。如我所言,昨天深夜我偷偷溜到这里,在每个座位上都稍微坐了一下。我这么做就是为了证明一点:我和你们一样是普通人,而且有的是大把的时间。

   But this is a wonderful occasion and it is great to be here in New Hampshire, where I am getting an honorary degree and all the legal fireworks I can fit in the trunk of my car.
不过,这是一个难得的机会,来到新罕布什尔的感觉棒极了。在这里我不仅能得到一个荣誉学位,而且我还能把车子的后备箱塞满合法的烟花。

   You know, New Hampshire is such a special place. When I arrived I took a deep breath of this crisp New England air and thought, "Wow, I'm in the state that's next to the state where Ben and Jerry's ice cream is made."
大家都知道,新罕布什尔是个如此特别的地方。当我抵达这里的时候,深深地吸了一口新英格兰干冷的空气,心想:“哇!与这个州比邻的那个州(译者注:指的是佛蒙特)就是Ben & Jerry冰激凌的老家。”

   But don't get me wrong, I take my task today very seriously. When I got the call two months ago to be your speaker, I decided to prepare with the same intensity many of you have devoted to an important term paper. So late last night, I began. I drank two cans of Red Bull, snorted some Adderall, played a few hours of Call of Duty, and then opened my browser. I think Wikipedia put it best when they said "Dartmouth College is a private Ivy League University in Hanover, New Hampshire, United States." Thank you and good luck.
不过大家别误会我的意思,我非常认真地对待今天交给我的任务。2个月当前我接到电话说要来这儿演讲的时候,我就决定要以你们准备重要学期论文的那种强度来准备我的演讲。所以直到昨天夜里,我才开始动笔。我喝了2罐红牛,吸了一点Adderall(一种“聪明药”),玩儿几个小时《使命召唤》,接着才打开我的浏览器。我认为维基百科已经写得很好了,它说:“达特茅斯学院是美国新罕布什尔州汉诺威市的一所私立大学,属于常春藤盟校。”谢谢大家,祝各位好运!

   To communicate with you students today, I have gone to great lengths to become well-versed in your unique linguistic patterns. In fact, just this morning I left Baker Berry with my tripee Barry to eat a Billy Bob at the Bema when my flitz to Francesca was Blitz jacked by some d-bag on his FSP.
为了今天跟你们这些学生交流,我特意花了很长时间学习你们特有的语言风格。事实上,就在今天早上当我发给Francesca的调情电子邮件被某FSP(Foreign Study Program,出国学习项目)的一个SB截获的时候,我正和“旅伴”Barry一起离开Baker Berry(达特茅斯图书馆)去Bema(一片宿舍前的空地)吃Billy Bob(一种早餐肉蛋卷)。

   Yes, I've done my research. This college was named after the Second Earl of Dartmouth, a good friend of the Third Earl of UC Santa Cruz and the Duke of the Barbizon School of Beauty. Your school motto is "Vox clamantis in deserto," which means "Voice crying out in the wilderness." This is easily the most pathetic school motto I have ever heard. Apparently, it narrowly beat out "Silently Weeping in Thick Shrub" and "Whimpering in Moist Leaves without Pants." Your school color is green, and this color was chosen by Frederick Mather in 1867 because, and this is true—I looked it up—"it was the only color that had not been taken already." I cannot remember hearing anything so sad. Dartmouth, you have an inferiority complex, and you should not. You have graduated more great fictitious Americans than any other college. Meredith Grey of Grey's Anatomy. Pete Campbell from Mad Men. Michael Corleone from The Godfather. In fact, I look forward to next years' Valedictory Address by your esteemed classmate, Count Chocula. Of course, your greatest fictitious graduate is Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner. Man, can you imagine if a real Treasury Secretary made those kinds of decisions? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Now I know what you're going to say, Dartmouth, you're going to say, well "We've got Dr. Seuss." Well guess what, we're all tired of hearing about Dr. Seuss. Face it: The man rhymed fafloozle with saznoozle. In the literary community, that's called cheating.
没错儿,我做了一些研究。这个学院的名字来自达特茅斯伯爵二世,他是“加州大学圣克鲁斯分校伯爵三世”和“芭比松美容学校公爵”的好朋友。贵校的校训是”Vox clamantis in deserto”,意为“广漠大地上的哭声”(译者注:这只是字面意思,引申义为广漠大地上对知识的呼唤)。这简直就是我所听过的最招人怜悯的校训。显然,这比“在灌木深处默默流泪”和“不穿裤子在潮湿的叶子上啜泣”要略微好一点。贵校的代表色为绿色,是Frederick Mather在1867年选定了这个颜色。据说“这是当时唯一没有被其他学校选走的颜色”,这句话一点儿都没错,我真的查过。我实在不记得还有什么事比这个更让人难过了。达特茅斯,你们总有种低人一等的情结,其实大可不必。你们学校毕业的伟大的虚构人物要比其他学校多,比如《实习医生格蕾》剧中的Meredith Grey,《广告狂人》剧中的Pete Campbell,《教父》剧中的Michael Corleone。事实上,我非常期待明年这个时候由你们尊敬同学Count Chocula(漫画吸血鬼形象)发表的毕业生告别演讲。当然了,你们最伟大的“虚构”毕业生就是财政部长蒂莫西·盖特纳。同学们,你们能想象一个“真实”的财政部长会做出现在这些决定吗?哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈!现在我知道你们要说什么了,达特茅斯,你们会说:“好吧,我们至少有苏斯博士(译者注:著名儿童文学作家)。”你们猜怎么着?我们早就听腻了苏斯博士。直面事实吧:这家伙用saznoozle来押fafloozle的韵。在文学领域,那就叫作弊。

   Your insecurity is so great, Dartmouth, that you don't even think you deserve a real podium. I'm sorry. What the hell is this thing? It looks like you stole it from the set of Survivor: Nova Scotia. Seriously, it looks like something a bear would use at an AA meeting.
达特茅斯,你们的不安全感如此之大,以至于你们自认为连个真正的讲台都不配有。抱歉,这是个什么玩意儿?看起来就像是你们从新苏格兰岛幸存者那里偷来的一样。说真的,这东西就像是大熊开会用的桌子一样。

  
   No, Dartmouth, you must stand tall. Raise your heads high and feel proud.
不,达特茅斯,你们必须挺直腰杆。扬起你们的头,由衷感到骄傲。

   Because if Harvard, Yale, and Princeton are your self-involved, vain, name-dropping older brothers, you are the cool, sexually confident, lacrosse playing younger sibling who knows how to throw a party and looks good in a down vest. Brown, of course, is your lesbian sister who never leaves her room. And Penn, Columbia, and Cornell—well, frankly, who gives a shit.
因为如果哈佛、耶鲁和普林斯顿是你们自私、虚荣、按名气排在前面的兄长,你就是有点酷、性感自信、玩网兜球的小妹,你知道如何组织爬梯,也知道在羽绒背心里面穿什么更好看。当然了,布朗是你那个永远宅着的同性恋姐姐。还有宾夕法尼亚、哥伦比亚以及康奈尔,坦白地说,没人在乎他们。


   Yes, I've always had a special bond with this school. In fact, this is my second time coming here. When I was 17 years old and touring colleges, way back in the fall of 1980, I came to Dartmouth. Dartmouth was a very different place back then. I made the trip up from Boston on a mule and, after asking the blacksmith in West Leb for directions, I came to this beautiful campus. No dormitories had been built yet, so I stayed with a family of fur traders in White River Junction. It snowed heavily during my visit and I was trapped here for four months. I was forced to eat the mule, who a week earlier had been forced to eat the fur traders. Still, I loved Dartmouth and I vowed to return.
是的,我和这所学校之间有种特殊的纽带。事实上,这是我第二次到这里。这事儿要追溯到1980年,我17岁那年到各大名校旅游的时候来过达特茅斯。那时候达特茅斯真是个非常艰难的地方。我那次旅程是骑着骡子从波士顿出发的,在West Leb(新罕布什尔的一个地区)向铁匠打听好了方向,我就径直来到了这个美丽的校园。当时还没有任何宿舍,所以我寄宿在White River Junction一个皮草易商的家里。我来这里的那段时间恰逢天降大雪,以至于自己在这里被困了4个月。我当时不得不吃掉了那头骡子,而这头骡子一周前逼不得已时吃掉了那个皮草交易商。即便如此,我依然爱上了达特茅斯,并且发誓一定会再回来。
   
    But fate dealt a heavy blow. With no money, I was forced to enroll in a small, local commuter school, a pulsating sore on a muddy elbow of the Charles River.I was a miserable wretch, and to this day I cannot help but wonder: What if I had gone to Dartmouth?
但是命运给我以沉重一击。由于没钱,我不得不选择了一家很小的地方性的计算机学校(译者注:揶揄自己的母校哈佛大学),那段生活简直是查尔斯河泥湾上令人震颤的痛处。我当时是个痛苦万分的倒霉蛋,直到现在我还总是会情不自禁的想象:如果我那时选择了达特茅斯会怎样?
  
   If I had gone to Dartmouth, I might have spent at least some of my college years outside and today I might not be allergic to all plant life, as well as most types of rock.
如果我当时选择了达特茅斯,或许至少有好几学年要在野外度过,而今天我就会对所有植物和绝大多数岩石都过敏。

   If I had gone to Dartmouth, right now I'd be wearing a fleece thong instead of a lace thong.
如果我当时选择了达特茅斯,我现在穿的就会是一条羊毛内裤,而不是一条蕾丝内裤。
  
   If I had gone to Dartmouth, I still wouldn't know the second verse to "Dear Old Dartmouth." Face it, none of you do. You all mumble that part.
如果我当时选择了达特茅斯,恐怕依然不知道”Dear Old Dartmouth”(达特茅斯校歌)的第二段歌词。承认吧,你们没人能记得,唱到那段都是哼哼过去的。

   If I had gone to Dartmouth, I'd have a liver the size and consistency of a bean bag chair.
如果我当时选择了达特茅斯,我会有一块像豆袋椅一样大又一样硬的肝脏。

   Finally, if I had gone to Dartmouth, today I'd be getting an honorary degree at Harvard. Imagine how awesome that would be.
最后,如果我当时选择了达特茅斯,今天我就正在哈佛接受一个荣誉学位。想想就觉得很酷!

   You are a great school, and you deserve a historic commencement address. That's right, I want my message today to be forever remembered because it changed the world. To do this, I must suggest groundbreaking policy. Winston Churchill gave his famous "Iron Curtain" speech at Westminster College in 1946. JFK outlined his nuclear disarmament policy at American University in 1963. Today, I would like to set forth my own policy here at Dartmouth: I call it "The Conan Doctrine." Under "The Conan Doctrine":
你们是一所伟大的学校,并且配得上一个足以被历史铭记的毕业典礼演讲。这就对了,我想让自己今天的演讲要点因为改变了世界而能被永远记住。为了达到这样的效果,我必须引入一条史无前例的提议。1946年,温斯顿·丘吉尔在威斯敏斯特学院发表了那篇著名的“铁幕演说”。1963年,约翰·F·肯尼迪在美利坚大学概述了他削减核武器的政策。今天,我要在达特茅斯抛出自己的提议:我称之为“柯南教义”。“柯南教义”包括:

    - All bachelor degrees will be upgraded to master's degrees. All master's degrees will be upgraded to PhDs. And all MBA students will be immediately transferred to a white collar prison.
所有学士学位将被升级为硕士学位。所有硕士学位将被升级为博士学位。而所有MBA学生将被立即变成白领囚徒。

   - Under "The Conan Doctrine," Winter Carnival will become Winter Carnivale and be moved to Rio. Clothing will be optional, all expenses paid by the Alumni Association.
遵从“柯南教义”,Winter Carnival(冬季嘉年华)将变成Winter Carnivale(冬季嘉年华的拉丁语),并且将去里约大肆庆祝。建议大家都不穿衣服,所有花费均由校友会承担。

    - Your nickname, the Big Green, will be changed to something more kick-ass like "The Jade Blade," the "Seafoam Avenger," or simply "Lime-Zilla."
你们这个”the Big Green”的昵称将被换成更牛逼的,比如”The Jade Blade”(玉剑)、”Seafoam Avenger”(绿色复仇者)、或者干脆就叫”Lime-Zilla”(绿恐龙)。

    - The D-Plan and "quarter system" will finally be updated to "the one sixty-fourth system." Semesters will last three days. Students will be encouraged to take 48 semesters off. They must, however, be on campus during their Sophomore 4th of July.
原来的“达特茅斯计划”和“四分之一体系”将被最终升级为“六十四分之一体系”。一个学期只有3天,接着学生将面对的是一个长达48学期的假期。不过,他们在大二的那个独立日必须呆在校园里。

    - Under "The Conan Doctrine," I will re-instate Tubestock. And I will punish those who tried to replace it with Fieldstock. Rafting and beer are a much better combination than a field and a beer. I happen to know that in two years, they were going to downgrade Fieldstock to Deskstock, seven hours of fun sitting quietly at your desk. Don't let those bastards do it.
遵从“柯南教义”,大乐透走势图浙江:我将重新下令举办Tubestock(译者注:达特茅斯学院一个狂欢节,现已被禁止)。那些打算以Fieldstock来替代它的人将接受我的惩罚。乘筏漂流和啤酒的结合比田野和啤酒的结合要美妙得多。我听说2年后他们打算进一步从Fieldstock降级到Deskstock,就静静地在你桌前傻坐7个小时。千万别让那些傻逼得逞!
  
   And finally, under "The Conan Doctrine," all commencement speakers who shamelessly pander with cheap, inside references designed to get childish applause, will be forced to apologize—to the greatest graduating class in the history of the world. Dartmouth class of 2011 rules!
最后,遵从“柯南教义”,所有毕业典礼的演讲嘉宾要是有人无耻下作地通过内部资料逢迎听众,骗取幼稚的掌声,他/她将被要求向这届史上最伟大的毕业生致歉。达特茅斯2011届毕业生主宰一切!

   Besides policy, another hallmark of great commencement speeches is deep, profound advice like "reach for the stars." Well today, I am not going to waste your time with empty clichés. Instead, I am going to give you real, practical advice that you will need to know if you are going to survive the next few years.
除了以上提议,伟大的毕业典礼演讲的另一个特征是深度的建议,要向“摘下天上的星星”一样深奥难明。不过,今天我不打算让你们的时间浪费在空洞无义的陈词滥调上。相反,我将给你们一些真正有用的建议,如果接下来几年你还想活着的话就用得着这些建议。

   - First, adult acne lasts longer than you think. I almost cancelled two days ago because I had a zit on my eye.
首先,青春痘持续的时间比你想象的要长。2天前我的眼睛上长了一颗痘痘,险些为此取消这次演讲。

   - Guys, this is important: You cannot iron a shirt while wearing it.
同学们,这一点非常重要:衬衣穿在身上你是不能直接熨的。
  
   - Here's another one. If you live on Ramen Noodles for too long, you lose all feelings in your hands and your stool becomes a white gel.
还有一点很重要。如果你们长期靠Ramen Noodles(一种日本方便面)为生,你们的双手就会失去知觉,便便也会变成一坨白胶。
  
   - And finally, wearing colorful Converse high-tops beneath your graduation robe is a great way to tell your classmates that this is just the first of many horrible decisions you plan to make with the rest of your life.
最后一点,在毕业长袍下穿着五彩斑斓的匡威高帮球鞋是一种绝佳的方式,用它告诉你的同学们这是你余生无数个愚蠢决定中的第一个。

   Of course there are many parents here and I have real advice for them as well. Parents, you should write this down:
当然,在座的还有很多家长,我也为他们准备了真正的建议。各位父母,你们应该记住这些:
  
    - Many of your children you haven't seen them in four years. Well, now you are about to see them every day when they come out of the basement to tell you the wi-fi isn't working.
很多家长已经有四年没怎么见过自己的孩子了。这下好了,从现在开始你们可能每天都能见到他们从地下室爬出来抱怨无线网络出问题了。

    - If your child majored in fine arts or philosophy, you have good reason to be worried. The only place where they are now really qualified to get a job is ancient Greece. Good luck with that degree.
如果你的孩子是美术或哲学专业,你绝对有理由去担忧。现在唯一能为他们提供工作机会的地方是古希腊。祝这些专业的同学好运!

    - The traffic today on East Wheelock is going to be murder, so once they start handing out diplomas, you should slip out in the middle of the K's.
今天East Wheelock(达特茅斯周边的社区)的交通绝对能让人崩溃,所以一旦他们开始颁发学位证书,颁到首字母是K的同学的时候你们就应该提前退场了。
  
   And, I have to tell you this:
我还要告诉你们这些:

    - You will spend more money framing your child's diploma than they will earn in the next six months. It's tough out there, so be patient. The only people hiring right now are Panera Bread and Mexican drug cartels.
你们还将为孩子的学位证框架而花钱,他们要等6个月之后才能挣到钱。外面形势不景气,要耐心一点。目前在招聘的只有Panera Bread面包作坊和墨西哥贩毒集团。

    Yes, you parents must be patient because it is indeed a grim job market out there. And one of the reasons it's so tough finding work is that aging baby boomers refuse to leave their jobs. Trust me on this. Even when they promise you for five years that they are going to leave—and say it on television—I mean you can go on YouTube right now and watch the guy do it, there is no guarantee they won't come back. Of course I'm speaking generally.
是的,你们的父母必须保持耐心,因为外面的就业形势的确令人沮丧。找工作如此之难的一个原因是渐渐老去的“婴儿潮”那一代拒绝让位。这一点上相信我绝对没错儿。就算他们在电视上亲口承诺5年后就让位,我的意思是你们甚至可以现在就上YouTube看看这家伙当时是怎么说的,他们可从没说过不会卷土重来。当然了,我是泛指这一代人(译者注:实际上是揶揄自己)。

    But enough. This is not a time for grim prognostications or negativity. No, I came here today because, believe it or not, I actually do have something real to tell you.
这些话就到此为止。现在不是谈论悲观前景或消极事态的时候。不,我今天到这儿来,不管你们相信与否,真的是为了告诉你们一些货真价实的东西。
 

    Eleven years ago I gave an address to a graduating class at Harvard. I have not spoken at a graduation since because I thought I had nothing left to say. But then 2010 came. And now I'm here, three thousand miles from my home, because I learned a hard but profound lesson last year and I'd like to share it with you. In 2000, I told graduates "Don't be afraid to fail." Well now I'm here to tell you that, though you should not fear failure, you should do your very best to avoid it. Nietzsche famously said "Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger." But what he failed to stress is that it almost kills you. Disappointment stings and, for driven, successful people like yourselves it is disorienting. What Nietzsche should have said is "Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you watch a lot of Cartoon Network and drink mid-price Chardonnay at 11 in the morning."
11年前,我在哈佛毕业典礼上也做过一次演讲。从那之后,我再也没做过毕业演讲,因为我觉得实在没什么东西可说。不过,紧接着2010年来临了。现在我站在这里,距离我家3000英里之外的地方,因为我去年学到了艰深的一课,所以愿意在此与你们分享。2000年的时候,我告诉那些毕业生:“别害怕失败。”好了,现在我要告诉你们的是,尽管你们不应惧怕失败,但你们应该拼尽全力去避免失败。尼采有一句名言:“那些试图打败你却没有打败你的事使你更坚强。”但是,他没有强调的是这件事几乎就打败了你。所谓避免失望的伤痛,对于你们这些雄心万丈的成功人士而言,这样的说法是一种误导。尼采应该说的是:“那些试图打败你却没有打败你的事使你能够尽情享受动画频道,并且能在早上11点美美地喝上一杯不那么廉价的霞多丽。”
  
   Now, by definition, Commencement speakers at an Ivy League college are considered successful. But a little over a year ago, I experienced a profound and very public disappointment. I did not get what I wanted, and I left a system that had nurtured and helped define me for the better part of 17 years. I went from being in the center of the grid to not only off the grid, but underneath the coffee table that the grid sits on, lost in the shag carpeting that is underneath the coffee table supporting the grid. It was the making of a career disaster, and a terrible analogy.
如今,人们认为常春藤盟校毕业典礼的演讲嘉宾都是很了不起的人。可是就在差不多一年前,我体会过一次耐人寻味而公众皆知的失望。我没有得到自己想要的,于是我离开了一套体系,我曾在这个体系度过了美妙的17年,是它培养、帮助、并最终成就了我。我离开了电视网络的中心,不仅仅彻底离开了这个网络,而且不想看见印有格纹的咖啡桌,甚至会迷失在了这张咖啡桌底下的旧地毯上。这是一次职业生涯上的灾难,也是一个糟糕透顶的比喻。

   But then something spectacular happened. Fogbound, with no compass, and adrift, I started trying things. I grew a strange, cinnamon beard. I dove into the world of social media. I started tweeting my comedy. I threw together a national tour. I played the guitar. I did stand-up, wore a skin-tight blue leather suit, recorded an album, made a documentary, and frightened my friends and family. Ultimately, I abandoned all preconceived perceptions of my career path and stature and took a job on basic cable with a network most famous for showing reruns, along with sitcoms created by a tall, black man who dresses like an old, black woman. I did a lot of silly, unconventional, spontaneous and seemingly irrational things and guess what: with the exception of the blue leather suit, it was the most satisfying and fascinating year of my professional life. To this day I still don't understand exactly what happened, but I have never had more fun, been more challenged—and this is important—had more conviction about what I was doing.
不过,接着发生了一些美妙的事情。烟雾缭绕,随风飘摇,在没有指南针的情况下,我开始尝试一些事情。我长出了一些奇怪的棕色胡须。我沉溺于社交网络的世界。我开始通过Twitter分享我的喜剧创作。我搞了一次全国巡演。我玩起了吉他。我重新站了起来,穿着一件贴身蓝色皮衣灌录了一张唱片,拍摄了一部纪录片,还把自己的朋友和家人吓了一跳。最终,我放弃了所有那些既定的对于自己职业路径和名望的看法,并且接受了一个以不断重播情景喜剧而闻名的小电视台提供的工作,创作情景喜剧那个高高的黑人经常穿得像个老女人。我做过很多愚蠢的、出格的、自发的、以及看起来不够理性的事情,你们猜怎么着?穿着那件蓝色皮衣的我度过了职业生涯中最满意最眩目的一年。到现在我都不明白当时究竟是怎么了,不过我从来没有那么快乐过,从来没有面对那么多挑战,这点很重要,也对于自己在做的事情从未如此的坚定。

   How could this be true? Well, it's simple: There are few things more liberating in this life than having your worst fear realized. I went to college with many people who prided themselves on knowing exactly who they were and exactly where they were going. At Harvard, five different guys in my class told me that they would one day be President of the United States. Four of them were later killed in motel shoot-outs. The other one briefly hosted Blues Clues, before dying senselessly in yet another motel shoot-out. Your path at 22 will not necessarily be your path at 32 or 42. One's dream is constantly evolving, rising and falling, changing course. This happens in every job, but because I have worked in comedy for twenty-five years, I can probably speak best about my own profession.
这一切都是真的吗?当然,这很简单:没有什么事情比你最深的恐惧成为现实更能解放你人生的了。我和很多人一起读大学,让他们骄傲的是他们知道自己是谁也知道自己要走向何方。在哈佛,班上有5个同学曾经告诉我将来他们终有一天会成为美国总统。他们中的4个人在一次汽车旅馆枪击案中身亡,另外的1个曾为电视节目Blues Clues短暂担任过主持人,不久就在另一起汽车旅馆枪击案中变成了植物人。你们在22岁时给自己设计的人生轨迹必定与32岁或42岁的人生轨迹不同。一个人的梦想是不断形成的不断变化的一个过程,有起有伏。从事于任何工作都是这样,不过由于我在喜剧事业上奋斗了25年,我或许最有资格谈谈自己从事的这个领域。
   
   Way back in the 1940s there was a very, very funny man named Jack Benny. He was a giant star, easily one of the greatest comedians of his generation. And a much younger man named Johnny Carson wanted very much to be Jack Benny. In some ways he was, but in many ways he wasn't. He emulated Jack Benny, but his own quirks and mannerisms, along with a changing medium, pulled him in a different direction. And yet his failure to completely become his hero made him the funniest person of his generation. David Letterman wanted to be Johnny Carson, and was not, and as a result my generation of comedians wanted to be David Letterman. And none of us are. My peers and I have all missed that mark in a thousand different ways. But the point is this : It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique. It's not easy, but if you accept your misfortune and handle it right, your perceived failure can become a catalyst for profound re-invention.
回顾1940年代,有个非常非常搞笑的家伙叫做Jack Benny。他是当时的天皇巨星,毫无疑问是他那一代人当中最伟大的喜剧演员。当时有个很年轻的小伙子叫做Johnny Carson一心想成为Jack Benny。从某种意义上说,他做到了,可是从另一种意义上看他又没做到。他模仿Jack Benny惟妙惟肖,但是完全摒弃了自己独有的动作特点,他努力的方向随着周围环境的变化而变化。最终,他没有成为自己偶像那样的人物,根本不能称得上他那一代人中最搞笑的一个。David Letterman想成为Johnny Carson,最后也没做到。结果我们这一代喜剧演员都想成为David Letterman,没人能做到。我和我的同行们从各方面来看都没有达到那个标准。不过,关键在于:虽然没有成为我们理想中最完美的样子,但这个理想中的形象却帮助我们找到了自身的独特性。这并不容易,不过如果你接受这种不幸并恰当地处理好它,你认为的这个失败会成为意义深远的再度创新的触媒。
 
   So, at the age of 47, after 25 years of obsessively pursuing my dream, that dream changed. For decades, in show business, the ultimate goal of every comedian was to host The Tonight Show. It was the Holy Grail, and like many people I thought that achieving that goal would define me as successful. But that is not true. No specific job or career goal defines me, and it should not define you. In 2000—in 2000—I told graduates to not be afraid to fail, and I still believe that. But today I tell you that whether you fear it or not, disappointment will come. The beauty is that through disappointment you can gain clarity, and with clarity comes conviction and true originality.
所以,站在47岁这个当口儿,着迷一般追逐了25年自己的梦想,结果发现梦想改变了。几十年来,在娱乐圈里,每个喜剧演员的终极目标都是能主持The Tonight Show。那是一个圣杯,我也像许多人一样认为自己实现那个目标就算是一个成功人士了。但实际上并不是那样。没有任何具体的工作或职业目标能定义我的成败,而且它也一样不能定义你们的成败。2000年的时候,我告诉毕业生不要害怕失败,我依然相信这句话。不过,今天我要告诉你们的是不管你怕它还是不怕它,失望在所难免。好的一面在于你通过失望可以让自己看得更明白,看透彻之后就有了坚定的信仰和真正的创造力。
  
   Many of you here today are getting your diploma at this Ivy League school because you have committed yourself to a dream and worked hard to achieve it. And there is no greater cliché in a commencement address than "follow your dream." Well I am here to tell you that whatever you think your dream is now, it will probably change. And that's okay. Four years ago, many of you had a specific vision of what your college experience was going to be and who you were going to become. And I bet, today, most of you would admit that your time here was very different from what you imagined. Your roommates changed, your major changed, for some of you your sexual orientation changed. I bet some of you have changed your sexual orientation since I began this speech. I know I have. But through the good and especially the bad, the person you are now is someone you could never have conjured in the fall of 2007.
在座的许多同学今天之所以能获得常春藤盟校的学位证书,是因为你们在自己的心中埋下了梦想的种子,并且努力奋斗去实现梦想。在毕业典礼的演讲上,虽然有点老生常谈,但真的没有什么比“追求你们的梦想”更好的说辞了。不过我要告诉你们的是,不管你们现在的梦想是怎样的,它终究会改变。不过没关系。4年前,你们当中的许多人都有过具体的愿景,要有什么样的大学生活,以及自己要成为什么样的人。我敢打赌,今天你们中的绝大多数都会承认你们实际度过的这段时光跟原先自己的想象有很大不同。你们的室友变了,你们的专业变了,甚至一些同学的性取向也变了。我打赌,就在我开始演讲之后,你们当中的一些同学刚刚改变了性取向。我知道自己曾经也是如此。但是通过这些好的、尤其是不好的变化,现在的你已经不再是你印象中2007年秋天的那个你了。
 
   I have told you many things today, most of it foolish but some of it true. I'd like to end my address by breaking a taboo and quoting myself from 17 months ago. At the end of my final program with NBC, just before signing off, I said "Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen." Today, receiving this honor and speaking to the Dartmouth Class of 2011 from behind a tree-trunk, I have never believed that more.
我今天已经给你们讲了许多东西,绝大多数都是傻话,但有一些是真言。我准备打破禁忌,通过援引我自己17个月之前的一句话来结束今天的演讲。我在NBC最后一期节目快要结束的时候,就在信号被切断之前,我说了一句:“努力工作,友善待人,美妙的事情终将发生。”今天,在这里获此殊荣并站在一个树桩子后面对着达特茅斯2011届的同学发表演讲的时候,我对此更加深信不疑。

   Thank you very much, and congratulations.
非常感谢大家,同时也祝贺大家!



 
 

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